November 20

 

Notes from November 2020

Intention

What changes my intention? I want to have a real intention in life. It should be inward, not outward. All my outward intention takes care of itself very easily, it's driven by little engines of desire that already know what they want. It barely needs me to function.

There is a much larger intention connected to my inner life that I need to pay much better attention to. It is alive and is interested in life itself and in living itself, in Being, not in doing. 

It precedes what is done. 

It is interested in the will of the absolute, not my will, and how I might become aligned to that within the roots of my soul.

Otherwise, why all this effort? 

Why bother with anything? 

Why have Being?

Can I sense the play of forces without characterizing them? Can I be within the forces with some sensitivity, be in relationship with them? 

Can I let my intelligence, my sensation, and my feeling come into an intentional conjunction that functions as a result of inner conditions, and is not just led around by the nose because of outer ones? 

I need to be very serious about these questions, because this is the center of my life. Not serious in a depressing or ponderous or intellectual way, but serious in the sense of life and joy, which are the most serious things that there can be.

Sensation

I only ever work on one thing: sensation first, then the rest.

If my work is fragmented, what can make it more whole? If sensation does not participate, forget about it. Nothing will become whole because the anchor is missing. The ship drifts. Even if the ship needs to go somewhere I need to know where the anchor is, to haul it up and to keep it stowed in the right place, because I will need it over and over again.

I should know that what I say makes sense before I speak. I should never need to end something I say to another about work with, “does that make sense?”, Or, “if that makes any sense.” If I’m not speaking sense fully, with sensation, why speak at all? Seeing involves being present enough to bring a native intelligence to what is said.

 If I speak and I speak vaguely and don’t have something specific to say, if my effort isn’t good enough to bring the real question, what I offer is oatmeal. It is flavorless mush. I need to be bringing bacon, not oatmeal.

To be touchy-feely is not enough. This isn’t actually practical work, it just makes me feel good emotionally and think that something meaningful is happening. 

Everything is with the head. Imaginary. 

I need to focus my mind clearly and use my thought in a practical way, with an economy, so that it evaluates with efficiency and stands ready to serve, rather than wandering around in a daze.

May you be well within today.

Lee

Lee van Laer is a Senior Editor at Parabola Magazine.