November 16. 39 years sober today.
Couple of notes from this evening.
First of all, my blindness to myself is not voluntary. It is intentional.
Everyone thinks the way they don’t see themselves is some kind of an accident. This is a way of not taking responsibility for it. If it were merely voluntary or accidental, it would be passive. But my blindness towards myself is an active force. It is an intention; or, as one might say, the anti-– intention. It is closely related to what alcoholics call denial.
If I don’t begin to see that my blindness towards myself is intentional, I will always be a slave to it.
Second point. You will always forget your sensation.
The only way to deal with this is to bring your sensation to a point where it does not forget you.
There is a third point.
Ignore everything. Go forward. Always go against what it wants.
Today I had a second cortisone treatment for the trigger finger in my left hand. The doctor was expeditious, because he knew I knew what was coming, and he got out the cortisone, filled the hypodermic, put my hand on the table, sprayed the anesthetic, and jammed the needle in before either one of us had any time to think about it.
It was best that way.
While it was comprehensively agonizing, I was also sitting there with the needle in my hand thinking about how good it was that this was taking place. This is the kind of thing that sensation can do for us. It acts as a counterweight to everything we have in us that fears and resists.
My hand probably won’t get too much better. It is likely I am headed for surgery at sometime in the next 6 to 12 months. But that, as well, will just have to be dealt with.
Another thought from this evening. What we hate the most in other people is what we love the most about ourselves.
If we learn to hate these things about ourselves and love them in other people, things will be different.
Think well on yourself today, and live.
And goof around a bit.
Lee
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