Notes of February 3

 

Some notes from February 3.

How do I feel about my inner work? What is my aim after I dispose of all the external material? I can’t discern my aim if it's entangled with the external material. 

I need to discriminate.

Folks speak about becoming available. The word comes up constantly. Yet I’m not sure we consider exactly what this word means. To avail oneself is to take advantage of an opportunity or resource, to receive help. To be able means to have the capacity for. The word avail is derived from the Latin valere which means to be strong, to be of value. In this way we see that to be able and to avail actually have roots in the same concept of strength and ability. If I become available, I have the capacity, the strength, the ability to make use of the help that is offered.

I thought about three different kinds of feeling. There is an attached feeling that belongs to the self. I am attached to it; all the feelings that center around this are attached feelings of the self. This is about care for myself and this type of attached feeling is generally always about selfishness of one kind or another. This is a descending movement.

There’s a second kind of attached feeling which is an attached feeling of community. It is feeling for others, care for those around me. It's a higher kind of attachment and an ascending movement.

Yet both of these types of feeling are related in one way or another to the external. There is a third kind of feeling of a higher level, and this is the unattached feeling of the inner life. It’s best not too much be said about that, but my aim should be to inhabit as much as possible the unattached feeling of my inner life.

To be connected to one’s life in a real way is to be connected to mortality. Life and mortality cannot be separated if the experience is real.

I don’t have reactions and fear; reactions and fears have me. 

The battle can easily be seen from the air, but it's fought in the trenches. If I keep wanting to see things from the dirigible I can’t fight with the troops. And that's where I am needed.

Don’t romanticize the work. 

May you be well within today.

Lee

Lee van Laer is a Senior Editor at Parabola Magazine.