Ant Number One
Drawing by Lee van Laer, 2016
Created in Procreate, with iPad pro and apple pencil
It strikes me again and again how folk don't put being in relationship to an inner energy first in life.
We will do, it seems, just about anything to try and be, except come into relationship with of the higher energy that inwardly forms Being. It's a primary act that needs to be undertaken at once and everywhere, especially first thing in the morning — but again, all day long, in every moment.
Yet it gets talked about a lot, doesn't it? So much so that that talking even becomes a way of avoiding a direct approach to the inner truth.
In a roundabout way, sometimes folk in the Gurdjieff work refer to this inner energy as one's wish; yet that word actually means so many different things that it immediately becomes insufficient. It gets attached to every imaginable aspiration.
One's wish needs to be in relationship with the higher; if it isn't—if it doesn't come into intimate contact with the energy that animates Being before anything else happens in one's life—nothing happens. Every outward action and every outward manifestation are worthless if they do not have, at their root, a relationship to this energy.
When I say they are worthless, I am speaking euphemistically. All outward manifestation does have a value; but it gets weighed in gold, in silver, or in lead relative to what forms it inwardly. If it is inwardly formed, it is worth gold, if it is formed between the inner and the outer, it is worth silver; but everything that is formed only outwardly is worth lead. That is, it is still a metal, something very solid and real; and it still has the quality of weight; but it is dull and common and heavy and drags us downward.
This isn't to say that we are dragged downward into depression or pessimism; we are simply dragged downward into the material, that is, too much of us is wrapped around the material and forms our Being in relation to it. Being has the opportunity to be completely free in relationship to the material; this doesn't mean that the material is abandoned or transcendent, but merely that it is put in its proper place.
We need to be there in relationship to a force first, and then the material assumes its correct place, which is a lower one relative to the spiritual nature of Being.
Being there first in relationship to a force offers the opportunity of a complete and absolute inner freedom. That freedom is a peculiar thing, because it definitely can't be described in words, and has little or nothing to do with the associations we arrive at when we hear the word. But one can know it by its taste.
When I wake up in the morning, my first and only real wish is to be in relationship with the energy. This is my center of gravity. I sense, see, and participate in all of the parts that automatically attach themselves to habit and the material; this has to be accepted. But the animating force of Being must take precedence; in point of fact, if it doesn't, I am unable to sense, see, and participate in my automatic and mechanical parts. I identify with them instead; and then Being is lost to the ersatz force of false personality.
If I don't make my search a search first for this divine inflow of the inner energy, if I don't sense it with every cell in my body first and have that is my wish first, I dissolve had become, for all intents and purposes, nothing.
Lee van Laer is a senior editor at Parabola Magazine.