Pet market, Shanghai
As if I weren't already there.
But I don't trust; yet if I take to heart the lessons of the Masters, as well as the influence of Grace itself, which has taught me equally—in fact, even better, much better, since Grace does not come from books — I ought to trust implicitly. I am like a little kid who has been told this over and over and still won't listen.
If someone came up to me and said, "you really need to go marry someone who will abuse you for 16 years", or, "you really need your sister to die now," or, "now you need to be fired from your job," I would tell them they were insane.
If I told myself such things, I would tell myself I was insane.
Yet these are the things that did happen; and every one of them had enormous benefits in terms of deepening my understanding of life. There were benefits for others in these objectively difficult situations, as well; so it's clear that I don't know, in the context of life, exactly what good and bad things consist of, or what ought to be done. Really, I don't know a damn thing. I'm pretty good at navigating business situations; and I'm pretty good at predicting risk and mitigating it — but I don't know where stress and disaster can be usefully applied, which is an art and a science unto itself. (Read Antifragile, by Nicholas Taleb.)
I don't trust God, and I'm afraid He is going to play horrible tricks on me that will cause me to lose things, or even die.
Well, of course, He is going to do those things; but they aren’t tricks, and they aren’t horrible – they are simply what is necessary for the development of my soul. I myself — and those around me — are categorically incapable of knowing what those things need to be; so one has to trust in God and allow life to happen as it happens, meeting it over and over again with a willingness to stand up and go on every time one is knocked over.
Really, none of us get it.
There are Gurdjieff movements that illustrate this, particularly movements based on the enneagram; and no matter how complex the activities in some of these movements are, it is always the one who stands firm and tall and still in one place that represents this opportunity to be present, to receive something real, and to come into relationship with the Lord in the midst of life, no matter how difficult life may be.