Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Better than entertainment

After an unexpected series of events, I found myself staying in China for more than a week longer than I planned.

This happens from time to time; yet it's always difficult. One lives much of a business life of this nature surprisingly alone; apart from  family, friends, and colleagues, eating solo dinners at restaurants filled with other people socializing; walking streets by oneself, rather than with a companion one can chat about life with.

It gives a person a great deal of time for contemplation. One sees, eventually, that no matter where one goes, one is always and forever with one's self.

And yet one does not know quite who one is.

I see how I rely on the external—yet everything that takes place in life comes from within me. And I don't trust the conditions I am in; even though they are completely objective, and just to take place, no matter how I feel about them or react to them, I always suspect that the conditions aren't quite right, that something about them should be different, better, and so on, and that if only they were just how I want them to be I see, furthermore, that much of me is devoted to a hypothesis that consists, more or less, that a little later, everything will align itself to be just like I want it to be – if I do the right things now.

All of these things take place more or less automatically in parts of me that are, for all intents and purposes, mechanical. They consist of countless clockwork gears, all turning somewhat randomly, producing results that don't necessarily make much sense. I watch this go on with consternation; I am unpredictable.

All of this stands in marked contrast to my opportunity to be in relationship with a more sacred energy, which is clearly the point of my life. That energy is always present, but not in the same degree; there are times when it is very present, and times when its influence is less prominent.

Early this morning, I woke up and experienced a more unusual and powerful inflow of energy than usual. It suffused my entire body with a tangible sensation. It's interesting to note the quality of such energy is eventually experienced as distinctive; one can distinguish the level energy comes from by its nature. Some energies have deeper and more long-lasting effects than others; some are intended to transform physical states within the body, to effect changes at the cellular level which do not have a direct impact on feeling or intellect. This energy was one of those energies. Some of these physical energies have very fine and detailed work to do, and they can at times create quite unpleasant sensations, although this wasn't one of those times. 

One is required, as always, to submit; there is no way to manipulate such things, since the motivating forces that drive them come from levels I cannot understand.

One needs to learn, I find, to both distinguish and accept various energies as they flow inward, to embrace them. This helps in life; because eventually, a part forms that continuously reminds me that devotion to the Lord and to these sacred energies of Grace, an inner devotion, is really the center of gravity of life; and that I do have the capacity to live within my anxiety, fear, and Angst without allowing them to overwhelm me. 

These emotional conditions come and go like rain showers or thunderstorms, as long as I am willing to stand fast within Presence and await each one of them out. It may be that only a small part of myself finds shelter in the lee of these winds; but that is enough. As long as one stays in relationship, there is a refuge.

I've been more or less dreading this weekend, since it was the prospect of two days more or less alone in hotel rooms, and wandering around the city by myself. 

Now that it is here, I see that the conditions are tolerable; I will just have to find enough activities to occupy me.  Like everything else in life that comments, I just have to get on this bicycle now and ride it. I always have my inner work with me; and that is far better than entertainment.

So I have the opportunity, on this Easter weekend in Shanghai, to stay a little closer to myself; and I will try to take that.



  1. funny, I read this, this morning:
    'James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,

    To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations:


    Trials and Temptations
    2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.'

  2. U may know the film 'An unfortunate series of events' with Jim Carrey :)


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