This happens from time to time; yet it's always difficult. One lives much of a business life of this nature surprisingly alone; apart from family, friends, and colleagues, eating solo dinners at restaurants filled with other people socializing; walking streets by oneself, rather than with a companion one can chat about life with.
It gives a person a great deal of time for contemplation. One sees, eventually, that no matter where one goes, one is always and forever with one's self.
And yet one does not know quite who one is.
I see how I rely on the external—yet everything that takes place in life comes from within me. And I don't trust the conditions I am in; even though they are completely objective, and just to take place, no matter how I feel about them or react to them, I always suspect that the conditions aren't quite right, that something about them should be different, better, and so on, and that if only they were just how I want them to be I see, furthermore, that much of me is devoted to a hypothesis that consists, more or less, that a little later, everything will align itself to be just like I want it to be – if I do the right things now.
All of these things take place more or less automatically in parts of me that are, for all intents and purposes, mechanical. They consist of countless clockwork gears, all turning somewhat randomly, producing results that don't necessarily make much sense. I watch this go on with consternation; I am unpredictable.
All of this stands in marked contrast to my opportunity to be in relationship with a more sacred energy, which is clearly the point of my life. That energy is always present, but not in the same degree; there are times when it is very present, and times when its influence is less prominent.
One is required, as always, to submit; there is no way to manipulate such things, since the motivating forces that drive them come from levels I cannot understand.
These emotional conditions come and go like rain showers or thunderstorms, as long as I am willing to stand fast within Presence and await each one of them out. It may be that only a small part of myself finds shelter in the lee of these winds; but that is enough. As long as one stays in relationship, there is a refuge.
Now that it is here, I see that the conditions are tolerable; I will just have to find enough activities to occupy me. Like everything else in life that comments, I just have to get on this bicycle now and ride it. I always have my inner work with me; and that is far better than entertainment.
So I have the opportunity, on this Easter weekend in Shanghai, to stay a little closer to myself; and I will try to take that.