Friday, March 20, 2015

A call to Grace

March 7.

A walk along the Hudson.

A friend calls me to invite me for dinner.

I suddenly realize that I don't deserve any of the Grace that is sent.

And, for me, this is one of the facts of Grace: the more one encounters Grace, and the deeper it falls into Being, the more gently and lovingly it teaches me that I don't deserve Grace at all. It is a wonderful thing, Grace; this love is unconditional. And it keeps coming, more and more, deeper and deeper; and I am less and less—ever less—deserving, because the more I see of God's Grace, the more absolutely certain I am, with every ounce of feeling that my Being can have, with every dram of conscience which can be awakened in this unworthy breast, that I deserve absolutely nothing — none of it.

The anguish that this produces is nearly unbearable; yet the gifts that are sent are so generous it is impossible to say no; and even if I wanted to say no, I couldn't. It is not up to me. It is not up to me to receive; it is my part, on the other hand, to a knowledge and to suffer what I am, knowing that this lesson is quite necessary.

Why does a phone call from a friend trigger such understandings?

I can't say, except that I am sure all of these things that come are blessings. There is a moment when the soul opens to God in which one sees that 100% of one's life is a blessing; that the worst thing that ever happened to me is a blessing; that the least significant leaf lying on the snow, already long spent, is a blessing. Understanding this with all of the parts — feeling, sensation, intelligence — is also anguishing and unbearable, because the instant that a really centered awareness encounters how things are, one overwhelmingly understands one's own nothingness.

That nothingness stands looking directly into the active manifestation of the Lord; and no one really dares to look at the Lord directly.

 As usual, although I can explain the cosmos — more or less — I can't explain any of this, because what really happens in one's relationship with God, in the living experience of the soul and its efforts to be whole, is of a different order.

It exceeds creation.

How it does that and why it does that are mysteries indeed; and the only thing I'm certain of is the way in which it calls me to suffer the truth of what is, in the midst of life.


1 comment:

  1. mysteries indeed....'The ultimate gift of a conscious life is the sense of mystery that accompanies it.' (Lewis Mumford).
    Isn't grace precisely not about 'deserving' would we deserve it - as 'nonentities' (g's nice term for 'us').


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