Tuesday, July 8, 2014
A definite quality
A real sense of Being, the reality of Being, is not indistinct or undefined. It consists of truth and what is real; and it can't be mistaken for anything else. The nature of the organic vibration does not submit to argument or theory; it is not a hypothesis.
Everything in me, in what I am, consists of an argument, a theory, or a hypothesis; and when I put all of these things up against the vibration, the material fact, of a higher energy and a different presence, I see the difference at once. There is nothing tentative about the Lord; but everything about me is in fact tentative. This is why I am forced to believe instead of knowing; this is why I think, instead of coming into relationship with my Being.
To come into real relationship requires a commitment, a willingness to step away from what I am; and this is a terrifying proposition. Why would I do this? It goes against all of my associations and upbringing, everything I have been taught and — yes — believe in. Because I believe only in myself, not in a higher good, not in the agency of the Lord. Even if I say, "Thy will be done," secretly, I intend that that will ought to be my own will — that's how I think of it, because I only think. Only through the unselfish action of the higher can I begin to stop thinking and start understanding.
This energy, this presence of God, is forever generous and willing to educate me; and it comes at all times, but I am so often deaf, or, at the very least, extremely hard of hearing. I can be faced with the presence of the Lord directly and still have a wish to turn away. This is in my mortal nature; and is is what I need to suffer if I want to discover who I am.
This morning, I spoke to my mother; I've been checking in with her very nearly every day since my father died three weeks ago. During the conversation, she mentioned the old adage, "Money is the root of all evil."
"No," I replied. "Love of self is the root of all evil."
And I think this is a far more accurate statement; because it is our love for ourselves, always our love for ourselves and our belief in our own importance and validity, that gives us a damaged will which is willing to inflict damage on others. In trying to always get my own way in life, I fail to see that I extend that right up to my attempts to become open to God. Certainly, I want to become open to a higher energy: the higher energy that I want, the spiritual experiences that I want, the life and the romance and the external trappings, the devotional objects, the lifestyle, the garments, that I want.
I don't see how all of that will have to go; it reminds me of what my own teacher Betty Brown said to me near the end of her life. "The things we love the most are the first things that have gotta go."
In any event, it is this definite quality of the Lord that is interested in me, and that I have an interest in; and my inward quality can see that it is life itself that is tentative and tenuous, whereas the inner quality is durable and real.
I'm very confused about that; only coming back to my sensory experience and the inhabitation of the body can I straighten my experience out and point it in a direction that might help me.