Some notes and observations from my walk with the famous dog Isabel this morning. It was spitting down rain, and an impressive dark front formed over Westchester county, across the Hudson river.
Note the first:
I never want to do enough.
I am always measuring myself by my desire; and my desire is always to somehow allow myself to fall short.
I have to take this step with an indifference towards my ordinary self; getting involved with my ordinary self always leads to rationalizations and (in a way that so often secretly motivates me) self-pity.
This doesn't mean that I am cruel and merciless towards my ordinary self; no, I take this last step over the line into selflessness with love and compassion, knowing that in the end my ordinary self will also benefit, even though it doesn't think so.
This is because there is a satisfaction in the fulfillment of duty. I have been brought to this planet to learn how to take one step past what I want, into what is good for others. It's this service that counts.
Note the second:
I usually speak of desire as though it were good thing; I am supposed to follow my dreams, my bliss, etc. This kind of nonsense prevents me from seeing how urgent it is for me to suffer my desires.
If I want to know who I am, I have to see my desire; and this always involves looking ego straight in the eye, something I almost never do or want to do.
Why, after all, what I want to be honest with myself and admit how selfish I am? That wouldn't do, not at all.
Selfishness relies on not being looked at to accomplish its goals.
Note the third:
Be careful not to practice inner work as a solitary vice, something for yourself. Make sure that it is always practiced relationship, with an attention to the other.
Love, furthermore, is never important when it is expressed in the easy situations, but only in the hard ones.
When love is easy, there is almost no need for it; it is only when it becomes difficult that it's true value is revealed.