Friday, May 30, 2014

Hearts in darkness

This talk of sin probably makes people feel uncomfortable. After all, who wants to be a sinner? No one wants to open the doors of the heart and stare at the darkness within.

But aspirants forget that this is exactly what we must look at if we open the heart. Opening the heart is not just about letting bliss flow into us and experiencing God's love; before any of that can happen, all the darkness we have taken into the heart and stored there must be purged. This darkness, this sin, is a hidden thing; it is well buried under the ego, and ego only allows us to pick up a corner of the blanket from time to time when it feels like it.

Every once in a while, I am enraged by some perceived slight, the blanket is lifted off and the darkness pours out in all its strengths. That is when I know that there is darkness; yet the darkness has power, and I love power — my ego loves power — so I go with it. 

Then come the justifications, rationalizations. There are always reasons for why the darkness is good.

Yet the darkness isn't good; and the parts of me that know what good and what light are know that. I have to look this darkness straight in the eye and confront it in order to be truthful about myself.

So all the things of the ordinary mind cover the truth about darkness and prevent me from being here, in the moment, seeing how I am. All of them are confused; and all of them need to go in order for me to have a full experience both of my own sin, and my own being.


1 comment:

  1. "Now I want you to have confidence in me and believe my word. It is not our perfection which is to dazzle God, Who is surrounded by myriads of angels. No, it is our misery, our wretchedness avowed which draws down His Mercy. All God's dealings with us are a consequence of His Mercy (Mercy is God's goodness touched by the sight of misery). And that is why the great Saint Paul says, let others go to God leaning on the perfection of their life (as the Pharisee), 'for me, I take glory in my infirmities that my strength may be Christ's virtue.' If you could only once understand that you are never dearer to God, never glorify Him more than when in the full realization of your misery and unworthiness, you gaze at His infinite goodness and cast yourself on his bosom, believing in faith that His Mercy is infinitely greater than your misery . . . Now the triumph of his grace is when it raises up the miserable and impure . . . ." -- Columba Marmion, Union with God: Letters of Spiritual Direction by Blessed Columba Marmion


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