Painting by William Adie
8" x 8", circa 2012
Oct. 8, a.m.
For many years, I've noted how Jeanne de Salzmann says we need to see our lack.
Of course, because she often wrote or spoke in the first person, she would say "I need to see my lack." It was, in other words, personalized.
Yet this morning, as I was sitting, I saw a different aspect of this question.
No matter how I formulate it, when I encounter these words, it implies that the lack somehow belongs to me.
I am, in many ways, a long way from heaven's influences. But this distance is not a physical distance; it's a distance of intentions. And this lack of right intention is not as personalized as I think it is.
I want to think that everything belongs to me. I even want to think that my lack, the inner distance from heaven, belongs to me. Yet this condition is global, and universal for mankind, not personal. It is, in fact, the exact condition bestowed upon mankind for reasons that are larger than my ability to understand them.
There is a lack; but it belongs to God, not to me. That is to say, the lack is God's condition for all of us. So the distance between intention and myself, between heaven and myself, is real; but it's not there because I made it. It's there because it needs to be there.
The lack, in other words, has an objective quality to it that I can't begin to taste until I understand it isn't mine. The question leads me back to the fact that everything that arises in me is of the ego — absolutely everything, even the perception of lack.
So I discover, slowly, that there isn't me and this distance from heaven. There is just overall Being, and its distance from heaven. That distance being measured by a lack of intention towards heaven.
The only thing that can correct this are the inner threads that form between the inner Being and heaven, which transmit the Divine inflow into Being and help it to exist in a real sense, instead of an egoistic one. It is those inner threads that I lack; and there has to be an inner intention towards them, a willingness to engage with the sensation of those gossamer connections to the higher.
Whenever I start thinking about the lack that is in me, I take it too personally. This prevents me from investigating the disconnect with the sensation of the higher, which is so necessary.
May your soul be filled with light.