Sunday, August 11, 2013

Trust and love

Last night, we got into a discussion about how to handle younger teenage children.

The ins and outs of life in general bring these questions; yet the question is not necessarily how to handle the child, but how to handle oneself. One can't control life; yet it is the conceit of every parent that somehow they can control both life and the child. Having parented four children, I have some sense of this by now. There is a dogged belief in every parent that somehow, if they do things correctly, things will turn out a certain way, that is, the way they want them to.

If only it were true. Life brings what it brings; the illusion that we control anything is foolishness. We can, however, bring an attention, a mindfulness, an awareness to ourselves, and see how we are in relationship to other things.

This is quite difficult; most of what we are is arranged in opposition to it.

In any event, what came up last night was the idea that one should trust first, love second. If one doesn't trust the other person first, love is useless. Love is not always trusting; but trust is always loving. And so we can trust in trust, if we discover it, more than we can trust in love.

Perhaps this is why the prayers say, not love the Lord, but trust in the Lord. Trust is the higher principle; if I truly surrender myself to trust — which again is a terribly difficult thing, because it automatically implies a nakedness and vulnerability that I absolutely don't feel comfortable with, when seen from my ordinary state — then I leave an opening in which love can arrive. But if I try to put love first, already, I see how clumsy and unknowing I am about love — and how I always lack what is absolutely necessary in love, instead getting caught up in the relative nature of earthly loves of one kind or another, all of which are subjective, and fall short.

This reminds me of something that Peggy Flinsch said many years ago in regard to working with others; to wit, that trust was primary in forming a real relationship in inner work.

This idea of putting trust first is interesting to me, because it implies a different relationship than trying to put the idea of compassion or love first. If I examine my own interaction first, my impatience, the fact that I am actually not kind and loving enough, I see that it begins with a distrust.

I think it might be a good idea to take a careful look at that.

May your soul be filled with light.


  1. Dear Lee, a beautiful post today. I remember when my son went through various periods that were both unsettling and frightening to us as parents – and before I say anything further I would like to note my own experience was that we expected a baby but instead were given a human being – and I've always tried to respect that human being as much as I respected my own self and liberty – probably causing my caretakers great grief but very simply put, all human beings go through these stages on their journey towards some maturity, or in most cases, immaturity as adults.

    my son's name is Dylan. He started lashing out in temper tantrums when he was around nine – through 11 and he knew just how to separate his mother and his father so that they ended up fighting. What I see now is as an extraordinary defense and we did everything in our power to get him some help. Once when he forgot his bike lock combination, probably when he was eight years old, I hypnotized him and he went into a deep trance very quickly and easily and we were able to recover the number that opened his lock. Other than that I never practiced hypnosis on my family members, so I took him to a child therapist hypnotist – parts of him got better but I suppose this man was not as skilled as I would've hoped. We took him to see Albert Ellis, who declared him psychopathic... absolutely horrible experience as his sense of himself (Ellis) was so rigid and stern-- maybe senile but a complete jerk. At 15 he began threatening to run away and I told him to hand over everything in his pockets - that he was lucky I let him leave with clothes because his parents had bought them.

    No more need be said but that he is a mature and wonderful 22 year old man who has turned out just fine. I am very proud of him and he works for a search engine that keeps no data whatsoever about anyone or their searches and is so much better than Google, which now keeps records of every search in clouds. He works for best search out there -- leaves no trails. --Richard


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