Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Accepting my current state

My desires and my state seem to be in contradiction.

I don't accept my state; although my state is what it is, my personality — my mechanical parts, my automated parts — always seem to be thinking up some other state that would be better, and trying to impose it.

This is an entirely theoretical activity which, I see, doesn't help me at all where I am now. It perpetually presumes I ought to be somewhere else.

Rather than conducting a concise observation of where I am, and accepting it, the first thing that I do when I encounter my state is react to it.

There is first of all a belief that I know what my state ought to be; and second that I can fix it. Both presumptions begin with a disrespect for my state as it is. And if I were truly listening to who I am and what I am, it would begin with a respect for what is.

Even worse, after signing on to these presumptions, I try to use force of one kind or another to impose a new state. This almost always fails, of course, but even if it succeeds it doesn't work very well, because it always leads me to a situation which, in hindsight, turns out to have been inappropriate.

So I don't know my state. I only think I know my state. And because I am so much in thinking, I think everything. I think my state, the nature of my state, the meaning of my state, the consequences of my state. 

But I don't feel or sense my state; and this is the exact problem.

Before I can accept the current state, I have to stop thinking about it. Even the idea of acceptance is dangerous, for as long as I think I am accepting my state, I'm still thinking. The acceptance is formed in the sensation and feeling of the state.

The sensation of the state is the inescapable fact of the state. The feeling of the state is the remorse that arises as a consequence of seeing the state. 

Only once these two elements have been engaged in can thinking within the state be meaningful.

May your soul be filled with light.

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