Monday, January 7, 2013


Guardian Angel: icon painting by Chantal Heinegg

Life is a question of what I obey.

When I get up in the morning, there is a higher force present. It is always available in one form or another; during the night, the energy needed for the following day arrives. I search for this first thing in the morning; the need to acknowledge the presence of life and invite a relationship with it can be touched more easily at this time, in my experience.

I will forget my life hundreds of times today. But if I acknowledge this seed, this essential core of presence, it will always be there with me when I make an effort to come back to myself. I need to cherish and nourish this energy which is given to me in the night.

 There are always forces watching over me that I don't sense. I am under instruction, and always have a task in front of me to perform, even if I forget it or have never really sensed it in the first place. It's a question of what I submit to. If I begin the day by trying to submit only to myself, to my own urges, I can expect nothing more than what usually happens. There is a need, instead, to recognize how I am alive, how I am breathing, how I am in this body, to see that clearly. The inner Self, the essence, cannot acquire a form to support my life if it is not admitted.

 I say this word, admitted, because this is exactly how it ought to be. There must be an opening, an admission, in which the door is quietly left ajar so that something more essential and vivifying can enter. It is already within the innermost Self; but generally, it stays hidden. If there is obedience in me, if there is respect, then the presence of the higher forces will come.

I often ask myself why these forces are not always available; why they don't always just guide me. But I was given a body, a mind, and feelings because there is a requirement that I come to life and meet it  on my own. I am offered the opportunity to stand up and walk without any crutches. In fact, it's expected that I make this effort. Sacred beings have more things to do, I remind myself, than just hold everybody's hand and lead them onward. I am expected to make efforts on my own, because I can. The servant who works on their own, without having to be told that burdens must be shouldered, simply shouldering them, is the one who earns the most respect. The respect they earn, of course, is first and foremost for themselves — and perhaps this is what's most necessary. If I don't respect myself, respect higher forces, respect the presence of life in me, why should the Lord respect me?

 The life in me is calling me to a sense of intimacy that changes everything in the day.  My obedience to this call and my effort to come into relationship with this question of intimacy is what I ask myself, organically, day after day, week after week, month after month.

The months turn into years. This is not a work that I get up and do one morning to proclaim success. Every day is an effort that must be carried inside me.

I must attend.

 May your soul be filled with light.

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