Monday, December 17, 2012

Partial mentation

Sun dog, Sparkill, New York,  Oct 27, 2012.

 I've been pondering the question of negativity for many years now, and one of my consistent observations is that the overall inner state is generally more negative first thing in the morning, before all the inner parts have reached a more consonant rate of vibration.

 This disharmony in the rate of vibration between intellect, emotion, and the body is a common problem not only first thing in the morning, but throughout the day. In every case, partiality — the investment of being in a single part, rather than a concert of elements — produces polarities that inevitably cause negativity to arrive.

Put in plain English, it means that if I'm not in relationship, I'm negative. It usually begins with the thinking, which, left to itself, prefers to manufacture negative images. I'm not sure why this is so; but there is a part in me that consistently wants to imagine the world in negative ways. I watch it at work all the time. It seems to get out in front of me and want to stamp itself on many situations; and it has a tendency towards cruelty.  This is a contradiction; and a man or woman's intelligence is not measured by how many facts they know, but rather, how many contradictions they display. Were we to truly see ourselves, we would all be in very deep water here.

There are times when I am aware of this; there are others when I am not. Invariably, when I am under the influence of lower parts and lower energies, these negative emotional tendencies, and the contradictions which they produce, predominate. In general, if I see them, all I can do is stay there with them and wait it out. I have to be up close and personal with my contradictions if I want to understand that they are, well, contradictory. Every instance of a buffer is an example of turning away from a contradiction in myself which I ought to face.

I think we might all admit to ourselves that, while we wish, in enthusiastic paroxysms of spirituality, to subscribe to the rosiest possible view of the world, we inevitably meet innumerable trials and difficulties. In the midst of a universe created by Love, and ruled by Compassion and Mercy — all objective forces with incomparably higher natures than my own — the consistent impression is that God could have done better, isn't it? There is so much negativity both in me, and in those around me — in fact, in the world in general — it seems quite astonishing that all of this could arise from such objectively perfect roots. In the end, it appears as though negativity, suffering, and all of its consequent and attendant conditions are necessary. God would not create and administer a universe that contains these elements if they were not.

Why are they necessary? Why am I partial?

I must confess, I don't know. Many of the properties of God lie beyond my ability to imagine, and the motivations behind situations are equally inscrutable. One can know that everything blends into a perfect and seamless whole, while not understanding why that whole has so many parts that seem lacking. Evidently perfection must have imperfection next to it, else I would not be able to know what it was.

Perhaps one of the great burdens of man, in the material conditions he exists in, is to be an agent for the manifestation of imperfections. This is, in fact, one of our primary purposes; and yet, so much more is possible for us.

 In the practice of weaving my inner parts together, of tantra, I have to embrace all of the yarn on the loom — both the weak and the strong. I resist this; I don't like negativity or weakness, I would prefer to be rid of them. Yes — in an exquisitely painful contradiction, I feel negative toward my negativity. And in the midst of my iniquity, I blame outside agents — even God — for the way things are. I don't want to embrace my practice or my life.

 May your soul be filled with light.

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