Saturday, February 7, 2009

The deep search

Click here for the audio podcast

Today I want to abandon what I know and everything I think I am, and search for a place within myself that does not have any words.

I want to discover my being within a single note, one note that penetrates everything.

In order to remember the true self, I need to forget what I am, and discover a newness of being that is not based on the presumptions I have formed during the course of a lifetime.

This is so difficult. My inner habits and the momentum of the associative center are powerful. I need to keep turning my attention back to this act of abandonment. Within each moment, I must constantly discard what is, and turn towards everything that isn't.

I don't know what I am turning towards, and I keep falling backwards, out of Grace, and into the familiar. So I have to come back again and again within myself to the certain knowledge that I don't know where I am, that my aim is weak, and that I need help. This needs to become an inwardly formed fact, so that it is no longer just knowledge, but an organic understanding.

There is a confusion and an uncertainty. I know that I am missing something; after many years of inner study, careful examination of the organism and its condition, its partiality, I see that I have not begun to understand the question properly. I have to throw away everything, to revert to sensation in the immediate measurement of what is available. I have to abandon my theories and abandon my exercises and lay my unknowing out on an inner altar as a sacrifice.

Something may come. I understand that. It is the very presence of my ordinary self and that understanding that stands in the way. This conundrum cannot be defeated with the mind. It arises in it.

To open one flower would be a great deal. But I am not able to open flowers. I can only stand as a witness to their opening. That is a privilege I may earn, if I discover enough contrition within myself to peel off the skin of what I am and stand naked before that which is.

So I stand at the threshold of my day. How can I become more naked, within this day, in order to stand in front of relationship and allow it to penetrate me in a new way? How can I hold a connection to this fundamental question of sensation of the organism? How can I approach life from within this possibility of intimate sensitivity, instead of the habitual force that my ego brings to all my manifestations?

I don't know that either. I don't know anything. It's standing in front of this cloud of unknowing that offers me the possibility to see what I lack. Within each moment, I am offered an opportunity to discover the inadequacy of what I am and what I understand.

Every moment that I remain open to that, a call goes out from the depths of my soul for help.

May our hearts be open, and our prayers be heard.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.