Thursday, June 12, 2008
just sitting here quietly
I am just sitting here quietly at lunchtime today: not feeling very theoretical, not interested right now in doing a great deal of analysis of highfalutin' ideas.
For the first time in many weeks, I am feeling a bit more at home in a body that was damaged more deeply than I thought by this parasite I had.
It's interesting to see just how much a foreign organism can take out of one, both physically, intellectually, and emotionally. This is the first day after the medication started wearing off that I can see that there is some recovery under way. In seeing that, I see how much damage was done. Up until now the symptoms had obscured some of that.
It represents an opportunity to become much more specific in observing the body, especially its inner tensions, the state of relaxation it's in, which organs and areas fear arises in, and so on. So it's a good chance for study.
I had to cancel my trip to China, because my doctor does not want me traveling soon after an infection like this. This is interesting also, because I had formed my entire concept of my summer around this trip, and I am now faced with weeks that will be quite different than what I expected.
I haven't really grasped this completely yet. In fact, today, I'm satisfied to be here today, and not try to grasp that future, which is different. It occurs to me that every future is always different than what we imagine, even if the overall form is more or less what we expected. Our imagination creates a future that does not exist; when we get to the moment, we are too often in the imagination instead of the moment, and so, of course, we end up lying, as I mentioned in the last post.
So in the midst of this sensation of myself, I'm coming back to simple things. Maybe you could do that for just a second now as you read this:
Sense your breath as it enters you. Look around at some small things and try to see the value in them, just as they are. We don't stop enough in a day, really stop, to try and see where we are.
So now, as I sit here dictating, I have my eyes closed and I am trying to go a bit more deeply into myself.
It's quite extraordinary, really, how many different energies there are working within the body. We talk about energy as though it were one thing, but the body is actually host to many different forces, all acting at once.
Can we see that?
May your roots find water, and your leaves know sun.